My Need To Succeed

My name is John Scioli. I have always been a fat kid. Poor eating habits as a child maybe parents who never said no to chocolate bars for breakfast. I was always self loathing and never happy with the way I looked or came off to others. I really had maybe two friends from childhood til adulthood. The kids used to sing songs about me in tune with the Addams Family song and the Munsters theme and treated me as though I were some sort of a freak.  I was always ridiculed beecause of my fatitude(intenionally used) oh then one day this mysterious new persona comes to light between the age of five and seven called Mister Nervous tic. I later found out at the ripe old age of 23 after years of misdiagnosis that I in fact quite to my lack of surprise I always assume I had. I tend to rant, I do apologize. I will make a point I promise. My parents being the intellects they were and being easily fooled by wolves in sheep clothing so to speak too me since youth to address this nervous tic I had. Countless Eastern European doctors were seen because a Freudian philosopher such as my father the good doctor had nothing but the utmost in faith in their Eastern Europeanness... I on the other hand tend to lean more to a discipline similiar to Carl Jung meets Ezra Pound. So being a child and then teen and young adult with very very low self esteem, I had to fill that void. I tend to go to extremes in life in everything I do. Did you ever see me out? Jeez Louise what was I thinking back then? I was never popular , I was never cool . I was defecated upon by society sometimes more literally than figuratively at times. I never felt good about myself. I felt like one of the down trodden souls of Dante's Purgatorio. Sorry for the unintentional literary references. Being that I had no friends growing up or in life I read a whole lot. I have countless volumes of classic literature all the way back to the pre-Chaldean times in old Talmudic history embedded in this brain. My parents being both geniuses and savants and oddballs themselves pushed the education thing way too hard. I became way too rapped up in the fear of being bullied after school for being the fat twitchy kid or being asked to go hang out and then get ditched.

     I had a severe distaste for life and living and being social. My hygiene habits were poor . I fell into a world of hating myself because everyone else in life did too' . October of 2011 I was in to see my doctor who I will not name, but remember to support local business. We had a conversation he said despite being a big fat load and smoking too much I am in pretty okay shape but should probably address my extreme girth because the familial hereditary problems will set in around 40. I have never been one for hospitals. I had a veterinarian stitch up a stab wound on me back in my days off the grid. I have a very spotted past I am realizing as I type this entry. I am a person I am sure to no ones surprise, that is an extremist perfectionist. I should hope it would be quite obvious in the qualiy of my workmanship. So I went to extremes. I was told by my doctor who hasd a very endearing bedside manner which is lost in todays health care system in most cases, that I should lose forty pounds and try and quit smoking, he told me quite frankly he said John I know you well enough to know that you don't give an (expletive deleted) what anybody says to you or about you. My doctor told me I am a truly unique man and it has always been a pleasure attending to me for my inhalers and such medical nonsense they try and sell on you. Yes I use an inhaler and smoke a ton of Nat Sherman New York Cut cigarettes and I enjoy every single one.

    So, I thought to myself, hmmm, the doctor is right I am not going to quit smoking just because he says so but I can address my excess weight. Being an extremist in life and being a bit of an iidiot savant I knew all I needed was to condition my mind first then address the food consumption second. I must warn the extreme ways I lost my weight are not healthy in any way nor are they recommended or approved by myself or any other entity. I am merely writing to let all those people who want to know how this low self esteemed fat pig of a human could lose so much weight and successfully keep it off. Well fasten your chinstraps tightly on your helmets there Skippy. This is what I did.

   I conditioned my thinking to turn myself off to the sight of my favorite snacks first. For example the three to six a day milkshakes I consumed or the ziploc bags of Mini Rolos twice a day. I convinced my mind that those things were disgusting to me. I have always been a bit bi-polar in some areas of my brain. I got myself thinking that milkshakes and snacks were so disgusting that I would get nauseous at the mere sight of a milkshake. I also resorted to what some refer to as Manarexia . I feel badly for mocking others in my life current and past for their purging. I truly know your pain.

     I continued to condition my mind so much so that I was turned off to food completely, even to the point of eating nothing for three or more days at a time. I lived on half gallons of diet teas and tons of water and lots of electrolytes especially in the beverages. Some of you be puzzled by this condition your mind thing. I have a neurological disorder and like others with neurological disorders we possess some very unique gifts and things we can do with our minds. Unless you have Tourette Syndrome or Autism or Full Spectrum disorder mumbo jumbo you do ont know that intimately of what I speak. My brain circuitry has been rapidly becoming highly sensitized. The energy exerted from my brain goes along a different circuit board unlike thought processes of people who lack our special gift. We engage each other in very different ways in our society. Some trudge through meandering aimlessly. Others work hard play hard cool car my future is so bright I have to wear shades mentality common in today's society. I am not a doctor but my lack of credentials does not dictate things I know are there. I remember my life on a cycle of three days. Things I did 30 years or more ago I remember in very intimate detail as if it were three days prior to the present time in which I write this blog.

       I have never felt sexy as a man . I wanted to feel sexy. There is more to weight loss my friends than abstaining and dieting. You have to make yourself feel really good. Take it from me it is difficult,not impossible. As I went through my first six months of unhealthy expelling of my food consumed I started to eat things I could keep down easily. I drank and continue to drink a lot of Naked juices though bad for most beat a half dozen drive in milk shakes a day.

    I must focus. I tend to go on meaningless or not so meaningless tirades. I went through a year of an unhealthy eating disorder and anorexic signs but denial within. I am writing this passage because I feel as though it may be a help to someone who is where I was at my time of extreme desperation . I felt alone I withdrew from my friends whom were cherished individuals in my life.  I became obsessed with getting this wretched fat off my displeasing frame.

     I am in an industry and very successful in my industry that eating a meal during the work day because of brisk business is not a common place activity. I am sharing this to let you know of my desperation to look good to myself in the mirror. I now eat on a daily basis and have for the last six months eaten a daily diet consisting of one or more of the following: Yogurts, pro-biotic yogurts, small pudding cups,dry cereal, juice high in vitamins, waters containing electrolytes,a sometime treat of a soda either botaniacally brewed or containing pure cane sugar, none of those emulsifiers and preservatives in my beverages please, ginger ale, dry packets of instant oatmeal right from the package,an occasional burger or pizza or steak.

    Portion control was key for me once I got back to eating regularly and keeping food down. I eat an apple before any meal or the equivalent in roughage. When I get my meal, I immediately push half of the portion away from the half I will allow myself to eat. Usually I eat a quarter or less of my meal served. I told you of my extreme discipline,yet sadly more a compulsion. I drink most beverages at room temperature water teas and otherwise make you feel fuller at room temperature.

    I still indulge in the things I like. Just not a dozen or a whole bag, a few or one or two at a time. I avoid grzing during the day random pieces of food or snacks. I smoke a whole lot of cigarettes, more so than most people would think. Tonight my dinner consisted of a fruit on the bottom yogurt A Johnnie Ryan Cerise Noir Cane Sugar Soda a bottle of water and a fistful of dry cereal. I eat enough to keep me alive. I work long hours so I have stamina.

   Another item I should mention, I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I say this to let you know I do not sleep very well or often. My war wasn't televised is my ice breaker when I meet another PTSD'er . I lack sleep. I listen to a lot of music from all kinds of genres. I am making 2013 the year of music for myself. I work hard my whole life. I never get time to spend my spare change. I make that time now. I do not know how to relax, I am learning.

   Activity more than exercise is key for my . I took up downhill longboarding back in the summer and like to do random down hill rides as the sun rises on a Sunday morning. I don't wear a helmet or pads to all you nay sayers. Activity is key . Do not fester. Stay busy. I have so many means to keep myself busy. Trust me when I tell you, when you have nightmares and sleep walking and when you have recurring dreams of seeing yourself being killed, well you learn to deal well eith the time at hand. When my body needs sleep it lets me know and shuts down. I start my day early most days by 4 or 5 AM. The early bird gets the worm folks.

    For my other successful measure to weight loss for me personally it was key to, well I will reference the movie There's Something About Mary and if you catch the line you will catch my drift;" Always be fulfilled, don't go out with batter on the brain". Virility is key to remaining active 20 hours a day. When your pipes in your home are backed up you take care of them and get them cleaned. Nuff said on that one.

      I wake up every day and tell myself I am a winner. I can face the day. I will succeed. I will triumph in the face of adversity. I am an infinite being. These are my personal tributes. I need to feel good about myself as it is physically crippling for me most days to leave my house. I face the day every day with the hopes of making others feel good about themselves. I smile and laugh a lot. Laughter is the best medicine. If I didn't laugh so much I may just cry.

    I have adapted Agave sweeteners into my life and raw sugar. No processed chemical for me. I eat very little to no meat, I do enjoy it I eat a good amount of seafood and sushi. I did not write this for any other reason than to let all those people asking how I am doing it know how. I am a  very successful entrepeneur despite my shortcomings in life. I make my living daily on my skills not on my merits as a person with a troubled past. My life is an open book. Stop by one of my business places I will tell you all about it. I am currently working on a rough draft for a piece of fiction loosely based on fact and am very critical of my own writing. This blog is my outlet for my creativity in my writing. I enjoy it and I believe I am fairly well suited for it. It is one of my many creative outlets.

   People will always demean people like myself or those who appear different to them. We are different. All of us are uniquely made perfection one and all. After years of being told I wasn't worhty of societies acceptance I realized they were right. But it was society who was not worthy of my acceptance. I stifle my genius most times,sad, yet true. Next time you see someone who appears different than most, say hello to them or wish them a nice day. It only takes a moment. It will create a lasting impression. Perhaps this rambling of mine will be an inspiration to someone. There will always be people slandering my name. I accept it. If people talk about me it means they are leaving someone else alone. I stopped playing the martyr years ago. I am a super star. I feel good about my plight in life. I have little regret. I want for nothing and have more than most feeble minded folks such as myself should have. My name is John Scioli I "WAS" a fat kid with no friends who hated his life. Today I am John Scioli, man,myth and legend in my own mind. I am okay with that.